Responding to Sexual Abuse

Responding to Sexual Abuse

In the same way we learn emergency procedures like CPR, the knowledge of HOW to respond to a child reporting sexual abuse is important, EVEN if you think you will never need it (and we hope you do not!).

If a child comes to you saying they were sexually abused, listen to them and believe them.

First and foremost, children have no reason to lie about sexual abuse. With that being said, studies have shown that although younger children are often accurately able to recount what happened to them, it is not uncommon for them to struggle to accurately communicate who the perpetrator was.

Children who are listened to and believed display more resilience and are able to heal faster and make steady progress in treatment.  If a child's first attempt to reach out is met with scrutiny, disbelief, or anger they will likely internalize those reactions and feel that reaching out was not a safe option.

Rather than try to figure out the details, focus on your child's immediate needs, such as comfort and safety. This might seem obvious, but this can be very difficult when you have a wave of intense emotions overwhelming your thoughts.

If your response to their disclosure focuses more on the details of the event such as who the perpetrator was or where they were, the child will internalize that their needs are not as important. An interrogation-like response does not reassure the child that they are emotionally safe and only evokes more anxiety and fear.

Remember, your child is coming to you for help and it took a great deal of bravery and courage to do so. Acknowledge their bravery and thank them for sharing this experience with you.

Please refer to our articles on sexual abuse if you would like further information.

Self Injury

We have recently been getting lots of questions about “cutting”.

What is it? Self-Injury (also called self-harm) is an unhealthy way to cope with uncomfortable emotions by deliberately harming one’s body and can take a variety of forms, including cutting, hitting, or pinching. It is important to understand that self-injury is not a suicide attempt. Although teenagers who engage in self-injurious behaviors are more at risk and may have thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts are different than self injury.

So, if not suicide, WHY do they do it? This is a frequent question we hear from parents.

While we have found that each situation is unique and self-injury behaviors surface for a variety of reasons, for the purposes of this article we will attempt to over simplify this behavior and break it down into a few predominant reasons for self-injury:

1) In some cases, a child who self-injures believes they deserve to be punished because of something they have done, something they haven't done, or simply because of whom they are. In our experience these children are extremely hard on themselves and beat themselves up with their own words far beyond their parents can fathom.  Clients who fit in this category typically struggle with anxiety on some level and have perfectionist tendencies. These children struggle to define realistic expectations for not only themselves, but others as well. It should be noted that their expectations for themselves are far greater than that for others. As a result of their unrealistic expectations they often feel as if they are worthless or a failure. Self-injury seems to be their attempt to cope with their feelings of shame and worthlessness resulting from their negative thoughts. These children often overly personalize their experiences and the world around them. For instance, when seeing someone else succeed they will assume that accomplishment came easy to the other child and further beat themselves up for struggling at a similar task.

2) Self-injurious behaviors can also be prevalent with children who struggle with depression. These children often struggle to feel anything other than sadness or numbness. As an attempt to feel something, anything, they inflict pain. The pain is a new feeling and it also releases endorphins that send a false 'positive' feeling or a feeling of relief to the brain. Cutting can be a means to feel something and to cope with the overwhelming negative feelings that dominate their thinking.

3) Because self-injury is often done impulsively, it can also be the result of an impulse-control problem. When children struggle to regulate their emotions such as frustration, they may impulsively injure themselves in an attempt to cope with their overwhelming emotions because they lack appropriate coping skills.

If, as a parent, you worry your child is struggling with similar symptoms approach your child thoughtfully without intensifying the shame they already feel.  Also, please don't over personalize the situation if they haven't come to you directly for help. Often these feelings are so intense that they feel too ashamed or worthless to reach out to the loved ones in their lives. As someone not emotionally involved, a therapist can offer an outside perspective.  In our practice we with work with the whole family to assist in facilitating difficult conversations, such as conversations about self-injury. Don’t try to deal with this alone; self-injurious behaviors are serious behaviors that require professional help.