Negative Self-Talk

Stinkin’ Thinkin’

Hearing your child say, “I hate myself”, “I am a bad kid”, or “No one likes me” can be heart breaking and alarming.

What your children say out loud gives you a window into what they are thinking. You know they are engaging in negative self-talk when you hear things like:

“I’m never going to get this!”

“This is too hard!”

“I can’t do it!”

Sometimes it’s not what they say, but you may notice self-defeating, subtle facial expressions or mumbles under their breath.

In therapy, we take this kind of negative self-talk very seriously because self-talk is a critical part of how children acquire beliefs about themselves. Negative self-talk has been linked to low self-esteem, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and poor academic achievement.

If you see Negative Self-Talk becoming a pattern in your house, help your child replace their negative thinking with positive self-talk.

In home strategies to decrease negative self talk:

▪       “In our home” … Family Rules about loving ourselves – Sit down as a family and commit to replacing “I can’t” with “I can!” Make a list of rules that you can post to remind everyone in your home (even visitors) that it is okay to make mistakes as long as you try!

1. It is okay to make mistakes.
2. It is good to express your feelings.
3. It is safe to share your opinions.
4. Rest and relaxation is encouraged.
5. It is okay to ask for help.
6. Find time to play and have fun.

▪       “Family Share Time” - Encourage all your family members to talk openly about their stressors. Try instituting  ‘talk time’ during dinner or during a specific time set aside in the evening before bedtime.

▪       Love yourself! - Treat yourself like a best friend. How you talk about yourself becomes a model that your children will perpetuate.

▪       Praise - Seek out opportunities to praise your son or daughter for achievements or good behavior. Find ways to praise your children when talking to others – especially if your child is in earshot, but not a part of your conversation.

▪       Get Sassy! - Encourage your child to be THE BOSS of their negative voice and TALK BACK to it! When your negative voice tells you “You’re not going to do well on this test.”… Don’t let it take your confidence away!!  Tell that voice, ‘I’m a good learner. I’m going to try my best. If I try my best, I’ll do okay.’”

If this becomes a chronic issue or if you see your child consistently beating themselves up, this may be a symptom to a larger issue and indicate that it is time to try new techniques or speak with a professional for further assistance. 

Another great article about self talk:

http://www.pricelessparenting.com/Documents/Controlling-Negative-Thoughts.aspx#.UMk6y443iaA

Fun Apps For Kids Of All Ages

◊ Jellytoons Toddler Skills blends education and entertainment into six different games aimed to teach skills ranging from motor development to counting to shape recognition.

◊ National Geographic’s Ultimate Dinopedia: The Most Complete Dinosaur Reference Ever is a complete guide to dinosaurs for your kids to explore!

◊ Speech with Milo was created by a licensed speech language pathologist and combines familiar sequencing exercises with fun animation and lots of imagination. Kids are tasked with putting three cards in order, with each card showing the adorable animals Milo and Melvin performing one of several tasks.

◊ Slice It! wraps its tricky, shape-based puzzle-solving into a cartoonish presentation that’s easy enough for grade-school players to grasp.

◊ Stack the Countries encourages your grade-schooler to flex his or her geography muscles in a physics-style puzzle game (think Tetris with a higher purpose) that combines learning with doing.

◊ Park Math introduces young players to simple math concepts using a silly and fun approach. The app features seven games, spread out over two difficulty levels and center on the concept of animals playing in a park

Older kids:

◊ BrainPOP creates proven and award-winning educational resources including animated movies, interactive quizzes, activities, high-interest readings, and more. Students can explore hundreds of standards-aligned Science, Math, Social Studies, English Language Arts, Technology, Engineering, Arts, Music, and Health topics with their classmates or at their own pace.

◊ Weird But True is the perfect app for anyone who loves odd little factoids about everything and anything? National Geographic’s new app brings this popular book to your fingertips.

◊ Shake & Make instructs you to see a picture, study its layout, and then shake your iPhone or iPod Touch and the pieces will fall to the floor. You are then challenged to race against the clock to put the picture back together in under a minute.

◊ Teen Book Finder by Yalsa makes it easy to find the best books and media for teens, as selected by library staff and educators across the United States! This app offers easy access to the titles honored each year by the Young Adult Library Services Association, a division of the American Library

Reference: Babble.com & coolmomtech.com

Top ten ways to display your child's artwork/homework

Top Ten Ways to Display Your Child’s Artwork/Homework:

1.  Create a clothesline look and hang the artwork with clothes pins or clips.

2.  Take pictures of the artwork and save the images as your desktop picture or screen saver. 

3.  Purchase frames of varying sizes, hang the empty frames and interchange the artwork or homework throughout the year. 

4.  Purchase a binder with clear plastic sleeves and add the projects to the binder throughout the year. 

5.  Scan the pictures and create a collage of the artwork through the use of a grid system all in one large frame. 

6.  Download the app ‘Artkive’ to store the art.   Simply snap a picture & tag it. You can share, store and print the pictures.

7.  Purchase a large corkboard and hang the pieces with push pins and creative descriptions.

8.  Paint a blank wall or the back of a door with different sized frames and hang the pictures as you please. 

9.  Hang a few cute clipboards on a blank wall and interchange the artwork as the year goes on. 

10.  Scrapbook it! - purchase a large blank scrapbook and glue/paste/tape the artwork and projects into the book.

Understanding Your Child's Anxiety

Understanding your child’s anxiety: 

Anxiety can be a healthy reaction to some of life’s stressors. However, for people experiencing excessive or chronic symptoms they may be struggling with an anxiety disorder.   When children are experiencing overwhelming anxiety it is a whole body experience.  This is very real and can be very scary for the person experiencing these symptoms.  Catching the symptoms early provides time to teach positive coping tools to better manage overwhelming feelings of anxiety and worry.   Some symptoms include:

Negative self-talk, difficulty expressing themselves, unsettled, uncontrollable fears, feeling uneasy, stomach problems, restless, excessive worry, difficulty concentrating, perfectionism, unforgiving of self for making mistakes, difficulty acting spontaneously, unable to act at times, etc.

What NOT to do:  Tell your child to stop it or forget about it. It seems natural for parents to try to make their children feel better by telling them, “Don’t worry”, however this reaction can isolate your child and make they feel they cannot share their feelings with you. If they could stop feeling anxious, they would! Children who are frequently told to simply stop feeling anxious can end up feeling defective and abnormal.

Ideas to try:

Listen, listen, listen

Rather than responding with “don’t worry” ask your child what they are feeling and listen. The feelings are the effect; listen until you hear the cause.  Be present with your child and hear their perspective before you offer your own.  

Set up a worry time

If your child worries about many things throughout the day, set up a worry time. Set aside 15 minutes where they can talk about their worries. They can also write their worries down on paper to share with parents, grandparents or  other adults who will listen.

If your child starts to worry at another time, redirect your child by saying “I am sorry you feel that way, let’s save that thought for our worry time.” Then assist your child to engage in something else as means to distract themselves by engaging in an activity they enjoy.  This is a great way to teach them how to stop their repetitive anxious thoughts in their tracks without dismissing their feelings.

Create a worry box

Have your child imagine a box with a lock. Explain that this is a worry box. If they start to worry, they can imagine opening the box, putting the worry in the box, slamming the lid closed and locking the worry there. Or you can create a REAL worry box and encourage your child to write the worry on a piece of paper and put it in the box. This technique is especially helpful at bedtime when worries get more intense and can keep your child awake at night.

Put the worry outside of the child

It is helpful to separate your child from the worry. This way you externalize the problem and are united in the fight against anxiety.   Have them picture the worry as a creature or a thing. Encourage them to imagine the image and then draw a picture. (Is it furry with claws, a dark cloud or just a blob?)

When worrying starts to take over, your child can picture that creature and can do something about it by talking back and standing up to it! Work with your child and write down things to say to best combat the worry monster and prevent it from taking over such as, “I don’t believe you!”,  “Get away!”

Do something else

Engaging in an alternative activity is key in keeping away worries. Our bodies and minds are such that we cannot be relaxed and worried at the same time. If they are playing with a toy or riding a bike, there is less room for worry to bother the child.

Help them make a list of things to do. Remember, they may not feel like going outside or playing, but help them understand that being active will help prevent those feelings from taking over. As they begin to realize that there are things they can do to help keep worries away, they will gain confidence in their abilities to combat these emotions and once again be able to play and do fun things without having these emotions take over. Here are some ideas:

 Take three deep breaths Run up and down the stairs five times Draw a picture Read Play music

Sing a song Play a game Help a neighbor with yard work Take a pet for a walk

These strategies take practice and time. Give your child positive messages and tell them that you believe in them. If you believe your child needs additional support, contact a licensed counselor at IFC.

Reference: Huebner, D. (2006.) What to do when you worry too much: A kid’s guide to overcoming anxiety. Magination press: Washington DC.

Other Anxiety Resources: 

Wemberly Worried By Kevin Henkes: Child’s book about a mouse named Wemberly worried about everything, especially about the first day of school

Who Feels Scared? By Sue Graves: Cheerful and reassuring story that shows that positive coping skills can help kids deal with fear, and children can be brave even when things seem scary.

When My Worries Get Too Big!: A Relaxation Book for Children who Live with Anxiety by Kari Dunn Buron

Back to School Resolution: No more frazzled mornings!

As you prepare to go ‘Back to School’ this fall… get together with the family and plan a routine that gives you a stress-free start to the day! Include your child in the decision-making.

No one likes arguing about every detailed thing with a cranky, tired child in the morning, so make your morning routine as predictable and ‘ready to go’ as possible!

• Get enough sleep
• Set a consistent bed & wake-up time and stick to it… even when you all want "just one more minute" of sleep or to watch just “one more episode”.
• Lay Out Clothes the Night Before
• Make it a fun part of the bedtime routine. OR on Sunday night put together hangers labeled M, T, W, Th, F for each of your kiddos. Don't forget socks and shoes!
• Schedule Breakfast
• These are fun to plan in advance as well. Set up a schedule where each kid gets to eat his or her favorite meal on a certain day of the week. Its great if you can make it predictable so when your kids are whining and demanding you turn into a short order cook you can respond and say, “sorry, we agreed Wednesdays are oatmeal day!” If you know Mondays are toughest for your family make Mondays cereal day! :)
• Weekly Lunch Prep
• On Sunday, divide your favorite lunch treats five ways and have it ready to grab and go. It’s funny how much kids love dividing their chips and fruit into little containers for the week!
• Give everyone a job!
• Don’t take on all the tasks yourself! Let your kids learn some responsibility while giving yourself some extra time to put on some make-up and do your hair! :) 

If You REALLY Want Your Child's Attention... Whisper!

Having difficulty keeping a neutral tone when your child is yelling or making demands? The next time your child is engaging in disruptive behaviors or makes a loud demand try responding in a whisper.

Whispering helps parents remain calm and appear 'unbothered' by the child's meltdown. This also helps to deescalate the situation because your tone will serve as a calming source.  As you get down on their level and whisper in their ear, you may be surprised to find that your child becomes calmer and more focused as they attempt to listen to what you are saying.

This trick especially comes in handy for parents who have a hard time not showing emotion on their faces. Try approaching your child from behind or from the side (the intent is not to scare them) and place your hands on their shoulders as you whisper in their ear...this way they can't see your reactions and are instead only paying attention to your words and calm tone.

Temper Tantrums

The next time your child has a tantrum, keep on truckin’. Walk away, turn the corner, and peek around it. Make sure your child can’t see you. There are few things more entertaining than seeing a small child who’s beginning to realize that their fits aren’t exciting enough to get them any extra attention.

IN FACT, As means to ignore their behavior while still keeping calm put a bored look on your face and think to yourself, “Nice tantrum, but I think you are losing your touch. Last time you screamed a lot louder and kicked your feet a lot harder.” Take pride in the fact that their tantrums will get less and less severe the more you ignore 'em (as long as they are safe of course). Remember- just like a fire needs oxygen, a tantrum needs attention to thrive- cut the attention and the tantrum withers away:)