Grief in Children

This is a difficult topic for many of our clients as children grieve differently than adults. During this difficult time for families it can be especially challenging to figure out how to respond to a child who has experienced a significant loss. While adults can verbalize their feelings, children often express their feelings through behavior. This is often confusing to their parents who are often grieving themselves. Everybody experiences grief differently and hopefully this will be a helpful guide to assist with healing… 

Similar to adults, the first feeling many children experience when they lose a loved one is shock. When children first experience a loss they may appear to feel as if everything is fine. In fact, they may go on laughing and playing as normal. It is helpful to validate your child’s response by saying something like, “You may not be feeling anything right now… it may be difficult to understand how you are feeling… whatever you feel is okay”. This perceived lack of feelings is in fact a normal response, often followed by denial.  Your child may think that the person is going to come back. While this initial stage of denial is an important part of the healing process, it is essential to remember not to hide the truth about death or to reinforce their denial by saying something like “they will be home soon” or “they are sleeping.”

Children who have lost a loved one often become fearful and express many worries. They may be preoccupied with death and worry about whether they will die too, whether other loved ones will die, or who will take care of them. Understandably, they often feel insecure, confused, and overwhelmed. They may express these feelings through behaviors by becoming overly clingy, hyperactive, irritable, or experiencing somatic symptoms such as frequent stomachaches. Their eating and sleeping patterns may change. During this stage it is most helpful to comfort and assure your child by saying things like: “Even though the doctors could not make your brother better, most people live a long or healthy life.” Or “Even though I feel sad, I am going to be okay and I will take care of you.” You know your child best so trust that your continued emotional support and verbal reassurance will comfort them.

Your child may also display extreme behavior in response to the strong emotions they feel as they cope with their loss.  It is important to encourage your child to express their emotions while at the same time setting appropriate limits. Talk to your child about their feelings and validate their anger while reminding them that it is not okay to let out their anger by hurting themselves or other people.

Surprising enough, just like adults, many children feel guilty and blame themselves when someone they care about leaves or dies. They may believe that something they said (such as “I hate you”) or did (such as misbehaving) caused the death. They may also blame themselves for the sadness of those around them. For example, if they see a parent crying they may believe they are to blame.  This is a great burden for a child to bear. It is important for you to validate your child’s feelings while assuring them it is not their fault. You may choose to say something like, “Sometimes kids think the death is their fault. Do you ever feel like you did something to cause the death?” or “It is very sad that your brother died, but nothing you did or said caused him to die.” The more you are able to express warmth and acceptance of your child (both verbally and non-verbally), the more your child will feel loved and valued.  This will help them alleviate feelings of guilt and shame.

As children face the reality of their loss, they often express feelings of sadness. These feelings may come up months or years after the death and you may not realize right away that your child’s crying or becoming withdrawn is a result of the loss.  Again, it is a good idea to talk about this with your child.  Often parents are worried to bring up such topics for fear that they will open old wounds; however, chances are if you are thinking about it, so is your child. Furthermore, if you are hesitant or worried about bringing it up, chances are your child is struggling with the same worries.  Help model appropriate ways to initiate conversation about these difficult topics and provide an open and nurturing environment so that your child can feel comfortable discussing tough topics with you.  

While children never “get over” grief, the intensity of their feelings will decrease over time. As children enter the stage of the acceptance, they are able to accept the reality of the loss. At this point children are able to think, “my brother is gone, I miss him, but I am going to be okay”.

Each child grieves differently and will approach these stages at different times and orders. Overall, it is important to be supportive and understanding while never rushing your child to a place of acceptance. Be patient and take care of yourself so that you are able to express the warmth and support your child needs during this difficult process.