Teenage Woes

It’s hard to be a teenager!   

A parent recently asked me “how do I build my teenager up when so many things around her are bringing her down?”.  While this teen is a bright, kind-hearted girl with a great group of friends, she has been experiencing difficulty lately.  She is an over achiever who, like many teenagers, worries about how others view her.   

The hardest part about being an over-achievier, as most of us know, is that we are often our own worst enemies.  The same is true for kids!  With this young girl we initially worked to explore the expectations she had for herself.  As it turns out, those expectations far exceeded those that were possible.  This young girl was carrying around the weight of the world!  While working to define more realistic expectations we gave her permission to ‘let go’ of many of the worries and even guilt she was carrying around.  Once she realized that her expectations were unrealistic we were also able to normalize her feelings of being overwhelmed and, at times, feelings of being a failure.

Which lead to our second focus - her anxiety about failure.  We began working to re-define how she viewed ‘failure’ as this seemed to be one of her biggest worries.  In re-defining this word and what ‘failure’ meant to her we were able to take away much of the power ‘failure’ had over her.   This teen was able to put words to some of the negative self-talk she had been engaging in for months!  In doing so she was able to shift not only the way she viewed herself, but also the manner in which she viewed others.  

Her parents always assumed that their daughter knew they were proud of her, when in reality she had been beating herself up and holding in her negative feelings for fear that she would disappoint them. 

This parent’s question is very similar to questions that are raised to us by other parents- and the answer is always the same “build them up at home!”  You cannot control the never-ending stream of information and interactions that are thrown at your children.  In fact, as difficult as it is for adults to “log out” this difficulty is multiplied for teens who use technology as their primary method of communication!  Interactions with peers are no longer limited to school or outings - Facebook, twitter, iphones, websites, apps  (the list goes on and on.) have forever changed the manner in which kids interact at the world.  Often exposing them to adult issues and situations at a much younger age.  It is increasingly more difficult to be a teen.  In turn,  the demands of parenting are also magnified and becoming increasing more challenging.  You can try to limit the information that is fed to your children, but we all know that in this technological world it is difficult to control the information that is being not only fed to your children, but also swarming about your children (think gossip on speed).  What you can do is build your kids up when they are home with you.  Strengthen their confidence, their self-worth and the manner in which they view themselves.  Affirm them in a variety of ways so that even when they feel that the world is against them, they have a safe place to return at home.

Focus on the positive and praise them often! :)  It sounds simple, but this can be a challenging task.  Especially when your teenager is shutting you out or pushing you away.  Don’t give up and keep working to find new ways to reach them.  A little secret- even if you don’t see the results right away, even if you didn’t receive any feedback, and even though you won’t be receiving a “thank you” keep doing it because your children are listening- especially when it seems like they aren’t.  You are laying a foundation that your children can fall back on later when they need it.