Teenage Woes

It’s hard to be a teenager!   

A parent recently asked me “how do I build my teenager up when so many things around her are bringing her down?”.  While this teen is a bright, kind-hearted girl with a great group of friends, she has been experiencing difficulty lately.  She is an over achiever who, like many teenagers, worries about how others view her.   

The hardest part about being an over-achievier, as most of us know, is that we are often our own worst enemies.  The same is true for kids!  With this young girl we initially worked to explore the expectations she had for herself.  As it turns out, those expectations far exceeded those that were possible.  This young girl was carrying around the weight of the world!  While working to define more realistic expectations we gave her permission to ‘let go’ of many of the worries and even guilt she was carrying around.  Once she realized that her expectations were unrealistic we were also able to normalize her feelings of being overwhelmed and, at times, feelings of being a failure.

Which lead to our second focus - her anxiety about failure.  We began working to re-define how she viewed ‘failure’ as this seemed to be one of her biggest worries.  In re-defining this word and what ‘failure’ meant to her we were able to take away much of the power ‘failure’ had over her.   This teen was able to put words to some of the negative self-talk she had been engaging in for months!  In doing so she was able to shift not only the way she viewed herself, but also the manner in which she viewed others.  

Her parents always assumed that their daughter knew they were proud of her, when in reality she had been beating herself up and holding in her negative feelings for fear that she would disappoint them. 

This parent’s question is very similar to questions that are raised to us by other parents- and the answer is always the same “build them up at home!”  You cannot control the never-ending stream of information and interactions that are thrown at your children.  In fact, as difficult as it is for adults to “log out” this difficulty is multiplied for teens who use technology as their primary method of communication!  Interactions with peers are no longer limited to school or outings - Facebook, twitter, iphones, websites, apps  (the list goes on and on.) have forever changed the manner in which kids interact at the world.  Often exposing them to adult issues and situations at a much younger age.  It is increasingly more difficult to be a teen.  In turn,  the demands of parenting are also magnified and becoming increasing more challenging.  You can try to limit the information that is fed to your children, but we all know that in this technological world it is difficult to control the information that is being not only fed to your children, but also swarming about your children (think gossip on speed).  What you can do is build your kids up when they are home with you.  Strengthen their confidence, their self-worth and the manner in which they view themselves.  Affirm them in a variety of ways so that even when they feel that the world is against them, they have a safe place to return at home.

Focus on the positive and praise them often! :)  It sounds simple, but this can be a challenging task.  Especially when your teenager is shutting you out or pushing you away.  Don’t give up and keep working to find new ways to reach them.  A little secret- even if you don’t see the results right away, even if you didn’t receive any feedback, and even though you won’t be receiving a “thank you” keep doing it because your children are listening- especially when it seems like they aren’t.  You are laying a foundation that your children can fall back on later when they need it.  

Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying

Bullying as we know it is much more complex and has taken new forms.  What used to involve a face-to-face interaction between two or more peers has now transformed into a much more complex issue.  Kids who might not have otherwise said something cruel to another child in the hallways will instead turn to other outlets such as the internet, cell phones, or social media.  Often times kids (as well as adults) seem to gain a false sense of courage by becoming ‘invisible’ behind the computer screen responding with unfiltered and often reactive rants. Kids used to be safe from bullies at home, but through the Internet bullies have access to victims 24/7.

As a therapist I hear many accounts of cyber bullying from children of all ages and backgrounds – from young elementary school children through high school age children. Many of the stories are heart breaking.  It’s hard to ignore the effects this chronic stress has on children’s lives.  Often the bully’s own insecurities and desire to ‘fit in’ cloud their ability to think rationally. 

The internet and technology has introduced a variety of outlets that make kids vulnerable for bullying.  Additionally, the internet has posed new challenges to most parents who likely have not had experience with cyber bullying and often feel at a loss over how to deal with the unique challenges this presents.

So how do you respond to cyber bullying?

1.     Listen and stay calm. Remember, it took a lot of courage for your child to come to you – praise them for that.  As disturbing as the online posting may be to read, it is crucial that you don’t overreact.

2.     Acknowledge their hurt; the pain they feel is very real.  Don’t downplay their feelings or lecture them about “sticks and stones.” Take a deep breath, support, and comfort your child. Assure them that they are loved and that the cruel words written/spoken by others do not and cannot define who they are as a person.

3.     You know your child better than anyone - be aware of how the bullying may be affecting your child. Have they become depressed? Are they suffering from low-self esteem? Are they overly sensitive or misdirecting anger at other family members? Have their grades dropped? Chronic stress can affect your child’s brain and nervous system, which can in turn make learning difficult.

4.     Make your home a safe, comfortable place for your child to return to each day.  You may need to enforce ‘phone/internet free’ times each day to force your child to disconnect.  Suggested times to do this are at mealtimes, homework times and especially bedtime.  There is no need for your child to have their cell phone with them during the hours they are supposed to be sleeping.  This will encourage your child to get a good night sleep and have a fresh start to each day. 

5.     It can be helpful to inform your child’s school so that the school social worker can keep an eye out for in-school bullying and for how your child is handling things.

6.     Block the user who is harassing your child.

7.     Assess if your child is at risk. If a threat has been made against your child consider contacting the local authorities. 

To find more information about cyber bullying please check out the video by Wiredsafety linked below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T38-9OCDrP4&feature=player_embedded#!

Childhood Depression

Is your child suffering from depression?

Depression looks very different in children than most parents expect.  When we hear the word ‘depression’ the words that usually come to mind are- sadness, crying,  and hopelessness. However, as with many health concerns, symptoms of depression vary from person to person.  This is especially true with children. 

When a child is struggling with depression the symptoms appear in a variety of different ways:

Emotionally:

-       Your child may display chronic sadness and melancholy

-       Often times, however, the sadness and hurt is expressed through anger and emotional outbursts.

-       You may notice that they no longer experience pleasure in activities or interactions with others as they used to.  This can sometimes look like boredom, or apathy.

-       Rather than overt feelings of sadness (crying or hopelessness) your child may start to isolate more and become more withdrawn.

-       Your child may be experiencing interpersonal problems and difficulty relating with others

-       Your child may not feel ‘good enough’ and may demonstrate a negative image of themselves/low self esteem

Physically:

-       You may notice changes in their eating patterns (more or less)

-       You may also notice changes in their sleep patterns (more or less)

-       They may be more irritable and agitated.

-       Your child may present more lethargic and lack energy or motivation to do things. You may find that they are no longer completing tasks such as homework or chores.

-       They may lack interest in their hygiene or the manner in which they present themselves.

Behaviorally:

-       They may not be able to focus or articulate clear thoughts as easily.

-       They may be getting in trouble at school more.  Either because they are fidgeting, unable to sit still, engaging in more reckless/risky behaviors or acting out.

-       Difficulty making or maintaining friendships

-       Your child may engage in harmful behaviors and self-injuring (such as cutting themselves, pinching, picking at nails, hitting, etc)

-       As noted above, isolating themselves or withdrawing from family/friends.

You know your child better than anyone else! Listen to your instincts.  Marked changes in your child’s behaviors indicate that something is going on.   Children often don’t understand or can’t find the words to explain what is going on with them.  Or they might not even know something is wrong.  Your kids rely on you to assist them with understanding and navigating through not only life, but their own bodies and cues. Ask questions - it’s ok to pry and be concerned about your childrenJ  Lastly,  if you suspect your child is struggling with depression consult with a professional who will support you in helping your child.