Grief in Children

This is a difficult topic for many of our clients as children grieve differently than adults. During this difficult time for families it can be especially challenging to figure out how to respond to a child who has experienced a significant loss. While adults can verbalize their feelings, children often express their feelings through behavior. This is often confusing to their parents who are often grieving themselves. Everybody experiences grief differently and hopefully this will be a helpful guide to assist with healing… 

Similar to adults, the first feeling many children experience when they lose a loved one is shock. When children first experience a loss they may appear to feel as if everything is fine. In fact, they may go on laughing and playing as normal. It is helpful to validate your child’s response by saying something like, “You may not be feeling anything right now… it may be difficult to understand how you are feeling… whatever you feel is okay”. This perceived lack of feelings is in fact a normal response, often followed by denial.  Your child may think that the person is going to come back. While this initial stage of denial is an important part of the healing process, it is essential to remember not to hide the truth about death or to reinforce their denial by saying something like “they will be home soon” or “they are sleeping.”

Children who have lost a loved one often become fearful and express many worries. They may be preoccupied with death and worry about whether they will die too, whether other loved ones will die, or who will take care of them. Understandably, they often feel insecure, confused, and overwhelmed. They may express these feelings through behaviors by becoming overly clingy, hyperactive, irritable, or experiencing somatic symptoms such as frequent stomachaches. Their eating and sleeping patterns may change. During this stage it is most helpful to comfort and assure your child by saying things like: “Even though the doctors could not make your brother better, most people live a long or healthy life.” Or “Even though I feel sad, I am going to be okay and I will take care of you.” You know your child best so trust that your continued emotional support and verbal reassurance will comfort them.

Your child may also display extreme behavior in response to the strong emotions they feel as they cope with their loss.  It is important to encourage your child to express their emotions while at the same time setting appropriate limits. Talk to your child about their feelings and validate their anger while reminding them that it is not okay to let out their anger by hurting themselves or other people.

Surprising enough, just like adults, many children feel guilty and blame themselves when someone they care about leaves or dies. They may believe that something they said (such as “I hate you”) or did (such as misbehaving) caused the death. They may also blame themselves for the sadness of those around them. For example, if they see a parent crying they may believe they are to blame.  This is a great burden for a child to bear. It is important for you to validate your child’s feelings while assuring them it is not their fault. You may choose to say something like, “Sometimes kids think the death is their fault. Do you ever feel like you did something to cause the death?” or “It is very sad that your brother died, but nothing you did or said caused him to die.” The more you are able to express warmth and acceptance of your child (both verbally and non-verbally), the more your child will feel loved and valued.  This will help them alleviate feelings of guilt and shame.

As children face the reality of their loss, they often express feelings of sadness. These feelings may come up months or years after the death and you may not realize right away that your child’s crying or becoming withdrawn is a result of the loss.  Again, it is a good idea to talk about this with your child.  Often parents are worried to bring up such topics for fear that they will open old wounds; however, chances are if you are thinking about it, so is your child. Furthermore, if you are hesitant or worried about bringing it up, chances are your child is struggling with the same worries.  Help model appropriate ways to initiate conversation about these difficult topics and provide an open and nurturing environment so that your child can feel comfortable discussing tough topics with you.  

While children never “get over” grief, the intensity of their feelings will decrease over time. As children enter the stage of the acceptance, they are able to accept the reality of the loss. At this point children are able to think, “my brother is gone, I miss him, but I am going to be okay”.

Each child grieves differently and will approach these stages at different times and orders. Overall, it is important to be supportive and understanding while never rushing your child to a place of acceptance. Be patient and take care of yourself so that you are able to express the warmth and support your child needs during this difficult process. 

Issues with your child waking too early?

Help, my child wakes up too early and is grumpy later in the day!

How can you keep your child from arising too early?  If your Preschool or School Age child wakes up before 5:00 AM here are some steps you can take to help you both sleep a little later!

Keep a consistent bedtime such as 8:00 PM. Consistent sleep schedules are very important.

Have a ‘calm down’ time before bed without TV or Videos.  Studies show that TV & Videos stimulates a child's brain, which will only keep them awake longer.  Instead use the time before bed as a special time where you can read with your child or listen to soft music.

Set an alarm to play soft music or nature sounds at an appropriate wake up time, such as 7:00 AM.

Tell your child to stay in bed with the light off until they hear the alarm. Instruct them that they may play quietly and read books in their bed but cannot leave unless they need to use the bathroom. 

Within a few weeks they should be able to retrain their bodies to stay asleep until their alarm goes off. Be patient, there are no quick fixes. It is normal to get upset when your child wakes you up too early. It will be challenging to shift their sleep schedule but stay consistent. If your child attempts to leave the room, send them back to bed.  Also, don’t forget about naps during the day; this will vary depending on your child, but here are some guidelines for both naps and nighttime sleep. 

Fun Family Activities: March in Chicago

We live in such an amazing city! Check out some of these fun family activities for the month of March.

Play with a purpose

What exactly is play therapy?  As adults who are familiar with ‘talk therapy’, play therapy may be a difficult thing to understand and appreciate.

I am not going to lie, it took me awhile to buy into it. I remember sitting in my first play therapy class thinking it was all a little too strange. “The healing power of play?” At the time, I thought ‘play’ was just a way to trick kids into talking.  But there my teacher was, talking about play as if it had a power of its own. Weird.

Since those days I have developed my own understanding and appreciation of the word ‘play’ in play therapy.

It is most important to understand that children relate differently than adults. While we, as adults, depend on language and rational thinking, children relate through play and enactment. Since their verbalization is limited, play is their initial, natural language.

In order to communicate effectively with children we must speak their language, the language of play. Play therapy operates from the assumption that children are not ready to confront their problems or traumatic history directly.  Instead, children have the ability to project and reconstruct their problems and interpersonal issues in a narrative, metaphor form. They can also work toward a resolution within this narrative metaphor and symbolic communication. Play therapy becomes an effective tool to address children’s presenting concerns. The right therapist has the right tools- a carefully selected tool box with toys, activities and objects.  Given the right tools for play, children will actually choose what they need to work on in therapy. It is quite amazing!

It may look like we are ‘just playing’, but through play therapy children are able to express and master feelings related to their problems and experiences.  They are able to learn more through ‘doing’ rather than talking.  They are also able to re-experience, rework and remediate developmental disruptions from earlier stages of development that they may have missed.

While in session we depend heavily on the language of play, however we also utilize ‘words’ to build upon the limited verbal understanding that children have.  As the therapist guides the child in play therapy, the therapist is able to provide observations, reflections about the child’s feelings (statements not questions), and interpretations to help children make sense of confusing life circumstances such as a parent’s divorce, grief & loss, adjustment issues, trauma, etc.  In addition, the therapist is able to explain patterns, conflicts, and new perspectives to parents as means to develop a deeper understanding of their child’s struggles as well as their strengths. 

Although I was once hesitant to understand and appreciate this medium of therapy, now as a clinician I couldn’t imagine my practice without this invaluable medium to reach and assist children.  If you are curious as to whether or not your child may benefit from play therapy, please contact us as we would be happy to answer any questions you may have.