This is a difficult topic for many of our clients as
children grieve differently than adults. During this difficult time for
families it can be especially challenging to figure out how to respond to a
child who has experienced a significant loss. While adults can verbalize their
feelings, children often express their feelings through behavior. This is often
confusing to their parents who are often grieving themselves. Everybody
experiences grief differently and hopefully this will be a helpful guide to
assist with healing…
Similar to adults, the first feeling many children
experience when they lose a loved one is
shock.
When children first experience a loss they may appear to feel as if everything
is fine. In fact, they may go on laughing and playing as normal. It is helpful
to validate your child’s response by saying something like, “You may not be
feeling anything right now… it may be difficult to understand how you are
feeling… whatever you feel is okay”. This perceived lack of feelings is in fact
a normal response, often followed by
denial. Your child may think that the person is going
to come back. While this initial stage of denial is an important part of the
healing process, it is essential to remember not to hide the truth about death
or to reinforce their denial by saying something like “they will be home soon”
or “they are sleeping.”
Children who have lost a loved one often become fearful and express many worries. They
may be preoccupied with death and worry about whether they will die too,
whether other loved ones will die, or who will take care of them.
Understandably, they often feel insecure, confused, and overwhelmed. They may
express these feelings through behaviors by becoming overly clingy,
hyperactive, irritable, or experiencing somatic symptoms such as frequent
stomachaches. Their eating and sleeping patterns may change. During this stage
it is most helpful to comfort and assure your child by saying things like:
“Even though the doctors could not make your brother better, most people live a
long or healthy life.” Or “Even though I feel sad, I am going to be okay and I
will take care of you.” You know your child best so trust that your continued
emotional support and verbal reassurance will comfort them.
Your child may also display extreme behavior in response to
the strong emotions they feel as
they cope with their loss. It is
important to encourage your child to express their emotions while at the same
time setting appropriate limits. Talk to your child about their feelings and
validate their anger while reminding them that it is not okay to let out their
anger by hurting themselves or other people.
Surprising enough, just like adults, many children feel
guilty and blame themselves when
someone they care about leaves or dies. They may believe that something they
said (such as “I hate you”) or did (such as misbehaving) caused the death. They
may also blame themselves for the sadness of those around them. For example, if
they see a parent crying they may believe they are to blame. This is a great burden for a child to bear.
It is important for you to validate your child’s feelings while assuring them
it is not their fault. You may choose to say something like, “Sometimes kids
think the death is their fault. Do you ever feel like you did something to
cause the death?” or “It is very sad that your brother died, but nothing you
did or said caused him to die.” The more you are able to express warmth and
acceptance of your child (both verbally and non-verbally), the more your child
will feel loved and valued. This will help
them alleviate feelings of guilt and shame.
As children face the reality of their loss, they often
express feelings of sadness. These
feelings may come up months or years after the death and you may not realize
right away that your child’s crying or becoming withdrawn is a result of the
loss. Again, it is a good idea to talk
about this with your child. Often
parents are worried to bring up such topics for fear that they will open old
wounds; however, chances are if you are thinking about it, so is your child.
Furthermore, if you are hesitant or worried about bringing it up, chances are
your child is struggling with the same worries.
Help model appropriate ways to initiate conversation about these
difficult topics and provide an open and nurturing environment so that your
child can feel comfortable discussing tough topics with you.
While children never “get over” grief, the intensity of
their feelings will decrease over time. As children enter the stage of the acceptance, they are able to accept the
reality of the loss. At this point children are able to think, “my brother is
gone, I miss him, but I am going to be okay”.
Each child grieves differently and will approach these
stages at different times and orders. Overall, it is important to be supportive
and understanding while never rushing your child to a place of acceptance. Be
patient and take care of yourself so that you are able to express the warmth
and support your child needs during this difficult process.
Body image is one of the ways we perceive ourselves and for teens
it is often a disproportionate gauge of their self worth. As a parent it is important to lay a healthy,
positive foundation for your children at an early age. You are your children’s first teachers and
have a profound impact on who they are and how they develop a sense of
self. Verbalize your love and affection
for them at an early age and continue this for the rest of their lives. Your
children also pick up on your nonverbal messages so be conscious not only of
what you are saying, but also how your body language is communicating your
thoughts. Remind them that they are
unique and highlight their strengths at an early age. Although this is not a
direct dialogue about body image, it lays a strong foundation for them to build
off of when those insecurities start seeping in. 
