Avoiding Homework Battles

Avoiding Homework Battles

In a dream world, your kids would come home from school, put their backpack and shoes where they belong, then happily bring their homework folder to the kitchen table to eat fresh baked cookies and work on their school work!

While we can’t make your dream world come true, we can give you some tips on avoiding the daily homework battle.

Create a daily routine:

Find what works best for your family and stick to it, if you are busy with sports and other activities it may be best to do homework after dinner. Or perhaps you like schoolwork to happen right when you get home. Make a schedule together, post it somewhere in your home, and keep things as consistent as possible. A consistent schedule leaves little room for argument, “I am sorry, but this is snack and homework hour we don’t watch television until after dinner”. Or “I am sorry Tommy, but the this is homework hour, the kids can’t come out and play until their free time remember?”

Electronic Free Hour:

In your routine, schedule your kids (and yourself!) some “free time” for television, apps, or text messaging, but let homework time be free of those distractions.  

Choices within limits:

Do you find yourself nagging your kids to finish assignments? Try a different approach…provide lots of choices… that lets child maintain a feeling of responsibility and control over their own work and success… but also sets limits because you only give choices you are happy with.

For example:

Would you like to sit at the kitchen table or dining room table? Do you want to work on spelling or math first? Would you like to read in your bedroom or the basement?

Try something different and fun! Make it seem like less of a chore :)

Try doing homework at Starbucks, a bookstore, or the library. If it’s nice out, try making a picnic and reading together in the sunshine.

Remember the value of life lessons:

If your child is refusing to do a homework assignment, don’t get stuck in a battle, let it go. Facing the embarrassment of not turning in an assignment or perhaps facing the school consequence might be a more powerful learning tool than spending the energy it takes to argue with your child about completing the assignment!

-Julianne Neely, MSW, LCSW

  

Reference:

Love and Logic Institute, Inc.

Halloween Safety Tips!

Halloween Safety Tips! 

Bring a flashlight (with batteries) for each kiddo and parent.

Rather than a mask that may limit visibility for your child and increase their frustration level, choose a hat or make-up (test sensitive skin in advance).

Eat a good meal prior to parties and trick-or-treating to discourage your kids from filling up on Halloween treats.

Purchase non-food treats for those who visit your home, such as coloring books or pens and pencils. Families with food allergies will thank you!

Review family rules regarding trick-or-treating in advance of going out so that everyone is clear on the rules and expectations:

• Only go to homes with a porch light on and never enter a home or car for a treat.
• Remind children of the rules of the road such as stay on the sidewalk, look both ways when crossing the street, only use established crosswalks, don’t cut through alleys or yards etc.  
• A parent or responsible adult should always accompany young children. Consider a wagon or stroller for children to prevent them from becoming overtired quickly due to the physical activity of walking.
• If your teenagers are going alone, plan and review the route that is acceptable to you.
• Agree on a specific time when teens should return home. Similarly, set an end time in advance for younger children so that you can give 5, 10, and 15-minute warnings that trick-or-treating is coming to an end.
• Wait until children are home to sort and check treats. Though tampering is rare, a responsible adult should closely examine all treats and throw away any spoiled, unwrapped or suspicious items.
• Mom and Dad are in charge of candy! Keep candy out of reach of children and ration treats for the days following Halloween.
• Teach children how to call 9-1-1 if they have an emergency or become lost. 

- See more at: http://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/news-features-and-safety-tips/pages/Halloween-Safety-Tips.aspx#sthash.CAFRu2fF.dpuf

Sending love from home... college care packages!

Love from home:

So your kiddo is starting their first week back at college. This can be a tough transition that leaves many teens feeling homesick after the excitement of being back to school, connecting with friends, and decorating their dorm room wears off.

Care packages are great ways to let your kids know you are thinking of them. Going to the mailbox and seeing a package or even just a quick note can turn your student’s stressful or homesick day around.

Some ideas:

• Their favorite homemade treats like cookies, brownies, rice krispies etc. (Be sure to send your package priority mail so it all arrives fresh! The flat rate boxes are an excellent deal)
• Snack foods for late night studying (my teen requested 'healthy' snacks, to counter the unhealthy cafeteria food!)
• Quarters for laundry (double check that their school doesn’t require laundry money be loaded on their university card)
• Postage Stamps (no hidden agenda here. wink!)
• Pictures from home (make a homemade card with pictures! Or use shutterfly if you are not a crafty type)
• Gift certificates to local restaurants
• Hygiene products (deodorant, contact solution, tampons, razors, etc.)
• Amazon gift card (this can be very useful for textbooks)
• Laptop cover/case
• Earplugs
• Tea/Coffee
• A Frisbee or other sports equipment that can encourage them to get outside to make friends

*Don’t forget to include a handwritten note letting them know how proud you are :) *

Preparing your child for college

As you prepare your newly independent teens, excited and eager to pick fun new bedding, towels, laundry hampers, notebooks, and textbooks to fill their new dorm room it is important to also take time to prepare them emotionally for this new experience.  College can be a very stressful time for teens.  They often have an overly fantasized view of what college is ‘supposed’ to look like and if it falls short, this can be a difficult reality. 

So, as parents, how do you help look after your child’s emotional well-being while they are away at college?  Be proactive. Discuss expectations and hopes for them before they depart.  This new chapter in college also marks a new chapter in your relationship.  As they love to remind you, they are not ‘kids’ anymore, but they also aren’t quite adults yet.  It is important to continue to balance the role as their parent as they move into adulthood.  This will be different for every family, but it is worth discussing what those changes might be and how to handle them.   

As a therapist who works with many teens and young adults I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to remain actively involved in your child’s life even though they are not under your roof.  I hear countless stories of young adults who silently struggle away at school not knowing how to reach out and not wanting to upset or disappoint their parents.  One safety measure you can put in place is to make sure you are still seeing a report card every semester.  Why? Well, because dropping grades are one of the most concrete indicators that someone is struggling.  If you know how your child usually performs in school, drops in their performance could indicate that something is wrong.  At the very least, it is an opening discussion point for you to reach out in case they do not know how. 

Catching warning signs early makes a big difference in helping them move forward.  It also holds your soon-to-be-adult child accountable as they transition into taking on 100% of the responsibility in their lives.  Throwing that at them all at once can be difficult, but a transition will certainly lesson the blow.  Especially if you are assisting in paying for their school or co-signing loans, seeing a report card every semester should be one of the requirements.  Even if you are not paying for their school request this and have an open discussion with your child about the benefits of being involved in their successes at school.   If you have additional questions or would like to offer your own insights we would love to hear from you. 

Another fabulous tip from an IFC mom! A 'Sharing Timer'!!

In Family Therapy with her adorable little boys we have been talking about 'rules'. What do "rules" mean? Why do we have them? What kind of rules do we follow... spoken? unspoken?

At home the family decided to make some toy room rules. As a family they came up with a great solution to the toy room fighting problem!

The rule is: If someone has a toy that someone else wants to play with, the person with the toy gets ten more minutes and they alternate ten minute turns.

I love tips that are tested! :) Our IFC mom says that this has proven to be an effective way to diffuse fights between her boys.

I would add that it is teaching her kiddos long term responsibility, because it leaves the problem up to them to SOLVE ON THEIR OWN rather than depending on their parents to break up a fight.

They found an Ikea timer which has become the official play room sharing timer! It is in a place both of her boys can reach so they can go to get it if the other has a toy the want.

Love love love!

Responding to Sexual Abuse

Responding to Sexual Abuse

In the same way we learn emergency procedures like CPR, the knowledge of HOW to respond to a child reporting sexual abuse is important, EVEN if you think you will never need it (and we hope you do not!).

If a child comes to you saying they were sexually abused, listen to them and believe them.

First and foremost, children have no reason to lie about sexual abuse. With that being said, studies have shown that although younger children are often accurately able to recount what happened to them, it is not uncommon for them to struggle to accurately communicate who the perpetrator was.

Children who are listened to and believed display more resilience and are able to heal faster and make steady progress in treatment.  If a child's first attempt to reach out is met with scrutiny, disbelief, or anger they will likely internalize those reactions and feel that reaching out was not a safe option.

Rather than try to figure out the details, focus on your child's immediate needs, such as comfort and safety. This might seem obvious, but this can be very difficult when you have a wave of intense emotions overwhelming your thoughts.

If your response to their disclosure focuses more on the details of the event such as who the perpetrator was or where they were, the child will internalize that their needs are not as important. An interrogation-like response does not reassure the child that they are emotionally safe and only evokes more anxiety and fear.

Remember, your child is coming to you for help and it took a great deal of bravery and courage to do so. Acknowledge their bravery and thank them for sharing this experience with you.

Please refer to our articles on sexual abuse if you would like further information.

Self Injury

We have recently been getting lots of questions about “cutting”.

What is it? Self-Injury (also called self-harm) is an unhealthy way to cope with uncomfortable emotions by deliberately harming one’s body and can take a variety of forms, including cutting, hitting, or pinching. It is important to understand that self-injury is not a suicide attempt. Although teenagers who engage in self-injurious behaviors are more at risk and may have thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts are different than self injury.

So, if not suicide, WHY do they do it? This is a frequent question we hear from parents.

While we have found that each situation is unique and self-injury behaviors surface for a variety of reasons, for the purposes of this article we will attempt to over simplify this behavior and break it down into a few predominant reasons for self-injury:

1) In some cases, a child who self-injures believes they deserve to be punished because of something they have done, something they haven't done, or simply because of whom they are. In our experience these children are extremely hard on themselves and beat themselves up with their own words far beyond their parents can fathom.  Clients who fit in this category typically struggle with anxiety on some level and have perfectionist tendencies. These children struggle to define realistic expectations for not only themselves, but others as well. It should be noted that their expectations for themselves are far greater than that for others. As a result of their unrealistic expectations they often feel as if they are worthless or a failure. Self-injury seems to be their attempt to cope with their feelings of shame and worthlessness resulting from their negative thoughts. These children often overly personalize their experiences and the world around them. For instance, when seeing someone else succeed they will assume that accomplishment came easy to the other child and further beat themselves up for struggling at a similar task.

2) Self-injurious behaviors can also be prevalent with children who struggle with depression. These children often struggle to feel anything other than sadness or numbness. As an attempt to feel something, anything, they inflict pain. The pain is a new feeling and it also releases endorphins that send a false 'positive' feeling or a feeling of relief to the brain. Cutting can be a means to feel something and to cope with the overwhelming negative feelings that dominate their thinking.

3) Because self-injury is often done impulsively, it can also be the result of an impulse-control problem. When children struggle to regulate their emotions such as frustration, they may impulsively injure themselves in an attempt to cope with their overwhelming emotions because they lack appropriate coping skills.

If, as a parent, you worry your child is struggling with similar symptoms approach your child thoughtfully without intensifying the shame they already feel.  Also, please don't over personalize the situation if they haven't come to you directly for help. Often these feelings are so intense that they feel too ashamed or worthless to reach out to the loved ones in their lives. As someone not emotionally involved, a therapist can offer an outside perspective.  In our practice we with work with the whole family to assist in facilitating difficult conversations, such as conversations about self-injury. Don’t try to deal with this alone; self-injurious behaviors are serious behaviors that require professional help.